Story of a Dark Time - Welcome to the Mental Health Runner
One moment of psychosis, Two trips to A&E and one suicide attempt - A tale of warning, awareness and luck.
Like all good stories, there needs to be a foundation. where better than the National News report?
Coming home from the cinema with the wife (Before we were engaged to wed) I had to pull to the car over in an emergency. like a veil of self-pitty and distress, I needed to get some air. As soon as the car came to a stop, i burst into tears and looked down at my hands; Blood everywhere.
Panic set in, I could see this thick, dark red blood coming from somewhere all over my hands and feeling it congealing between every crevice. the voices of a tormented youth came flooding back like i was ganged up on and being bullied about everything which hit hard. these wasn't voices like an internal thought; it was as if the entirety of the packed waiting room deciding to just try and finish me off. Amber set into action strait away and called 999.
From this point on its very much a blur until i got sat in A&E waiting for the crisis team to see me. The appointment went through like clock work... "What do you want us to do about it?" was a question which sat unsteadily in my head. with this, I decided to discharge and go home to the care of my the wife.
Discharged, I was given a number of Diazepam tablets, picked up my car and went home.
I didn't know i was still in psychosis.
As soon as we arrived home, with no self-control, I took all the tablets and ran out the house. Amber sprinted after me trying to catch me and get some control back to me. Insert another Ambulance here.
Like a child fighting for the player one controller, I "regained" a grasp of reality and then it all hit home. I put my wife through hell, I tried to commit suicide, and felt like a drain on an emergency resource. I felt crap.
Same questions followed from the crisis team and then went strait home; this time, with no medication.
After a few days, this story helped me feel humble and empowered to be still here. and want to spread it to help those who could be suffering with the same issues. Together, we can break down mental health stigma.
Lessons Learnt: 1) Just because your problems are not presentable, Doesn't mean your not in any sort of illness/injury? Imagine if i was to keep a bandage on my head?
2) Never be embarrassed to seek help.
3) Never be scared to think of what others will think of you seeking help.
So that's it, there are more stories which i will get to in due course; but see this not as a warning or to instill fear in yourself; but to show you that this "normal" understanding of sanity/insanity is becoming a very loose term.
Now lets get to work. Lets get outside, go running, go walking, go moonwalking... just get outside, get some air and lets get some power and show the world, we are here. We may be scarred both physically and mentally, but now we will never be scared to be who we are and want to be.
Until next time... MentalHealthRunner xx