Coming from experience, depression and psychotic episodes is what I thought personally for me was rock bottom. So much so, and I’ve talked about it on here before, I tried to take my own life for reasons mostly “noble” on how I had the deluded thought of “I’m better off dead”, “If I go, no one has to worry about me anymore” or simply “what’s left for me?”.
Now to get out of this problem, there isn’t a miracle cure (Trust me, I really wish there was!) but only to speak to trusted people, possibly take medication(s) if they work for you or even seek professional help in the form of CBT or group therapies. But today, to you my fellow readers, I’m going to share a personal story which happened to me a few days ago. One which has taken me on a personal journey of reflection and how if one of the many attempts on taking my life had actually performed its duty, There is every chance that suicide could have taken two lives for the price of one.
Before going any further, this is a story of how my life somehow has now seemed to have its purpose and is intended to help motivate, inspire and help those suffering with a depressive illness or disorder and contemplating self-harm, that there is a better world out there and that with your passing, someone else may follow. It does involve other people but I will be leaving out names to protect the privacy of those involved.
If you’re a follower of my Instagram account you’ll know I play a lot of football (amongst other things). It’s one of the few activities I do where I can get actively involved in a team, be amongst friends who I know have my back and also be a positive release from the daily grind of modern life; essentially the same reason which I run most days.
Now on the day, I turned up early for football so I could warm up and get ready for what laid ahead; getting there and then a member of a team asked if I could help out so I thought yeah no problem. Surrounded by people I don’t know against a team I’ve never seen before we started the game and well it went as any other game of 5-a-side football goes; couple of goals, couple of fowls and a bit of fun. Half time came about, and the usual, off the pitch and have a drink, re-group and then retake our places on the pitch; that’s the back story.
Getting the game underway again I heard one of my team mates shouting to the opposition “Is your mate alright?”, looking across me and the goalkeeper who I was stood next too, sprinted over to the lad who just seemed to keel over. Getting there me and the keeper “Michael” knew this wasn’t a joke or a simple passing out due to over exertion, but something was seriously wrong. Knowing that the person has fainted, we got the attention of the sports centre staff and got in contact with the ambulance service.
The person in question, would later be diagnosed with a cardiac arrest (Twice).
He wasn’t breathing and all the symptoms showed that we had to do something now and act; so, while someone was on the phone to the emergency services, we carried out CPR which I just happened to learn at work two or three years into my apprenticeship (Damn, that’s 7 years ago now!)Taking it in turns we brought the person back around for a few minutes to which the emergency team arrived, and then he went under again. A shock to the heart from a defibrillator and more CPR brought him back again. We all muscled into help with getting the person on the stretcher and then he was taken away to hospital.
That moment when you just know, someone’s life is in your hands and you have knowledge in how to save it; made me feel like having an out of body experience. I know that sounds melodramatic but I don’t really know what took over me; it was like I was have a period of psychosis but rather than being destructive, this thing that takes over my controls wanted to help. This “being” I tried to kill years previous, because of how destructive it was not only to personal belongings and my household, but toxic to my relationship with friends, and most importantly, my wife.
The lad is currently in hospital but recovering and hoping to see him with “Michael” once he’s ready and on the road to recovery, I wish him and his family every bit of love and regards to his recovery. I’m incredibly proud of my own actions and everyone else that was involved; but the haunting message remains – and this is the message of suicide prevention:
“If I had actually died in my many attempts on suicide… Chances are that someone else could have helped, but the odds are against him surviving; It could have been two lives for the cost of one.”
No matter how bad things may be, however desolate your situation may seem; there is a purpose for you being here and there is something which gives your life meaning. Your stronger than you think you are and things WILL get better.
I’ve been there, and this life changing event for me just solidifies that everything I’ve done to myself In the past when happiness seemed to be non-existent and futile. I know going forward that should I ever fall back into the pit of despair, I can do good and I am here for a reason; I have a story that proves that.
That is the exact reason I’m sharing this with you today. I want you to take away from this story that no matter what happens, you’re here for a reason and wellbeing could just be around the corner. Speak to friends; Speak to professionals, and get help to be on the path of recovery.
For more information on charities or places to turn too, here is a few details of who to talk too when life seems to get too hard.
Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/
Stay strong, Stay safe.