Say goodbye to week 22 of 2018, and get ready for week 23; welcome to another blog entry for Mental Health Runner.
Before I can get started: towards the end of the blog is an entry about of a dark time involving cyber bullying and attempted suicide. If these are known triggers for yourself there will be another warning beforehand but please feel free to not read that section.
This week has been full of ups, downs and all arounds. Taking the plunge back into work causing the old anxiety disorder to flare up like the metaphorical bastard cat amongst a flock of street chickens (pigeons) didn’t help things but I know I just need to get back into it, speak to people and get that graded exposure technique on the go.
I had a few ups this week. I STILL can’t say what one of them is but trust me it’s a good one! – Soon as I can say, Instagram is going to be lit up so if you haven’t already, follow me and stay up to date with MHR!
Monday I got back out running! Well I say running, its more of a buckled bike wheel trundling along a cobbled road! As it stands I’m stuck at 5km, again of light exercise but I can feel the ankle is getting stronger, Far away from being healed but it is great to have the feeling of strength back into it.
Still with the Ups - Thursday I had a phone call with the charity “Rethink”.
Rethink is a mental health charity which much like Mental Health Runner, they help those suffering with mental health issues by challenging attitudes towards Mental health and by doing so, changing lives.
From this phone call, I can say I’m now a Media volunteer in regards to PTSD, Severe Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder! So if any journalists/media outlets contact the charity, I’m on their books happy to discuss my experiences with the general public. I cannot wait to get started and have my first chance to help their cause! (click the image below to be taken to their website!)
The next up came from work! Now I’m on light office based duties, I decided to attend a webinar (Seminar – on the web – Who knew?) on mental health; imagine my surprise when all of a sudden yours truly appears on the presentation as an article to help inspire those to get fit and help kick stigma out of mental health. The EXACT reason why I even started this website to begin with… It's an amazing feeling when your goals are been noticed and other people are starting conversations regarding mental health referencing my efforts at MHR!
Now for this week's downs: performance limitations (RUNNING!...).
It's not a case of forcing myself to be slowed ndow, but more the matter that the injury wont let me do more as it gets really painful. Short term it's not too bad but in the long run I'm just worried that this limitation is going to somehow prove to be a cap to a stress vent... I don't know, maybe im looking too far into it.
That's it for this week! Thank you all so much for reading! It's been an interesting week but I'm getting there!
The entry of a dark time is next but due to the trigger warnings, I'm leaving it as an optional extra.
Stay safe, Stay strong.
"Entry of a Dark Time"
Like I said at the start of this week's blog, this section is something which carries trigger warnings.
If you're leaving now, thank you so much for reading and I'll see you next week!
The day of this psychotic episode finds me sat on the sofa with Amber just chilling out and watching TV. My phone lit up with messages through facebook messenger. Opening it up I found a warning. A warning which would change my life. One which piled on top of my PTSD, social Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder and took me from the decrepid shanty house of dispair, in to the fortress of torture.
A fake Facebook account was made. One about me.
Turns out that those I told about my illnesses had turned on me. They said I need to appologise to one of them for something which wasn't even my fault; I dont even quite remember why in all honesty. I stood my ground and said no. That's when this story becomes even darker.
Messages came in saying that my illnesses are all made up and people think im faking my conditions. That was it, psychosis took its disgusting grasp and held me away from my consious controls. I walked out to the garage, made a ligature out of an old football goal net and tried to hang myself.
Although I wasn't in control, I could see what I was doing. The thoughts running though my head and the voices of people I've never met, shouting how worthless I was, how I need to do this now and get it done. I could see an escape, this was it. Something I also remember clear as day is shouting "this will show them, this will prove it... I'ts all their fault and I hope it haunts them."
Who knew that it was obesity that day that saved a life.
Once I managed to take the weight off myself and put all 20+ stone of Tom through an old roof joist in the garage, within a few seconds, I fell to the floor in a heap of a broken man huddled on the floor.
The worst bit for me happened next. It still haunts me. Even after what just happened.
Amber walked in.
My wife walked in on me, after my suicide attempt.
She came in, got hold of me and we both just burst into tears. With that, the demon of despiration left me back to my own devices. I was now back in control of this husk of a human like vessel.
The next morning came, still shaken by the previous day... I knew I had to do something. Amber walking in on me, something which could have easily ended so much worse, was a wake up call. I grabbed life by the jaffas and cleaned up my social media and cut out all toxicity. It was a hard lesson learnt. I adored my "friends" and did everything I could for them, even to the point of staying up until early hours of the morning to give them lifts home so i knew they were home safe. Never had I felt so let down, disapointed and ashamed. I wrote them out of my life, they're dead to me.
I must thank them though. Before this I was a push over: never again. they helped me build the skill of looking after my self and although they may think their poop doesn't stink; they are still full of shit.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be stronger and realise how toxic some people in my life were. Who deserved to be there and who didn't.
Moral of this story - Life is too short to struggle with those taking advantage. Life is a beautiful thing and deserves to be spent with those who give you happiness, love and support.
Thank you to those of you who have helped me though my bad times and still there in my life